Tuesday, September 06, 2005

An Open Letter to Gabi Brown

CC: The Members who care.

Ms. Brown,
It has come to the attention of the collectif that you are delinquent in providing relevant insightful input to the satisfaction of the eleventeen people who anonymously frequent this Furtherup blog. You are never seen participating on any of the Further Up forum threads, you're consistently tardy to your mandatory spelling lessons, and at Further Up functions and mixers the rest of your commanding colleagues are left making sheepish excuses for your absence over dry apple martinis. The excuses are over martinis, not your absence.
Alas, Ms. Brown, we are a humorous bunch. We are proud of the license and freedom we offer to those we call our own--and we do call you our own. It is therefore only our natural way to openly chastise you and afford you with an opportunity to publicly apologize for your trespasses and mend your wicked ways. Let the record show that in the future, comments like: "Jason is going to hell, and Timi wears a different weave every week" or "Adam abuses the comma and Christine hides headlice in her headwrap" will not be tolerated. Or tollerated. We're serious this time. While we recognize the good humor in which you previously posted images of your rotten decaying navel cavity, we ask at this time that you never ever do it again. "Flooded" is the only way to describe our inbox after it was overwhelmed by the incensed letters of our 11/12ths of a dozen readers.
Gabriana, we extend feelings very close to love and acceptance towards you. We are each tenderly injured at the thought that you bat those feelings away with a wave of your stylesque arms. And what is "Stylesque" anyway? Please stop making up words; you're not The Bard. We've humored you long enough. "Demure" is a synonym for "derelict". I believe I speak for all the Borg when I say that we grow weary covering for you with assurances like "Oh, she's just special, you see..." and "It's just that suburban Chicago humor..." Mr. Dye has put our minds at ease about your nonsense regarding Chicago suburbs. Dye says quote, "The danged Chi ain't got's no *expletive deleted* burbs. It just be skrate up gully up in this mugpiece." end quote.
Finally, there is the matter of delinquent dues. Our charter clearly allows for any commanding member over 21 years of age to make undisputed use of the collectif's hired man and copter. Implicit in the charter's language is the fact that the hired man and the copter go together. You may not fly the copter yourself, and you may NOT send our hired man (read: trained pilot) to run your personal errands. Outstanding dues, a replacement emergency brake on the copter, overtime compensation for our man Olufemi, plus an unpaid order of General Tso's chicken amount to $12,467.99 .
We are certain that your cannabis research project has weighed so heavily on your mind that you are not even aware of these infractions and, having been made so aware, will right the situation immediately. You are, after all, the most graceful writer among us. Takia, you're next.

Adam Tillman-Young
Further Up and Further In, LLC.